You always said that I have multiple personalities

Sun, 03 Jul 2005 20:52:00 GMT

new lj. trbulnt_spnstr. raaadddiiiccaalll

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 21:20:32 GMT

An apartment has opened up in Worcester starting August 1st. The rent is $850 divided amongst three people. It was previously rented by my favorite t.a.'s partner who is really amazing and wrote a great book about anti-globalization development. I don't know if I'm going to call them about it but I think I might. Possibly meet them next week. Or. Something. I'm suddenly feeling small when I think of living somewhere where someone so brilliant lived. Also, I think everyone there are past grad school age. Or. Something. I'm not sure. They might only want over 21s. Or. Something. It's just I need an apartment and they have one. Right? Maybe they'll see it that way too. Maybe my brother will get the extra four thousand dollars that I'm not going to get for college because state college attending students don't deserve money. At least if it's the second time they've transferred and they aren't really sure what they're going to do with their life and they're complete.completely. lost. Or. Something. And I'll never be able to stay in one place at a time is what I figure. Never be able to root myself in possibilities of a future with one single person who will sleep with me every single night and make me cum once in a while so why even pretend like I could do the same thing with colleges? I've got lists of things to do in this life and I'm realizing paying college loans for the next twenty years isn't one of them. And honestly that's a fair thing to determine even though my mom will probably make me pay her back for my loans early since I really fucked up big time with this one. And I'll just live 1.5 miles from school. Ride my bike there. Even on cold winter days. State college close more than private ones anyways. And on days when Worcester State is closed I'll ride to Clark and sleep in Laura's room. Wait for her to break her heating elements to save electricity/oil. Smile when she comes back from her classes and do homework together. Laughandlaughandlaugh and kick ass. Or. Something. Radical cheers against military recruitment on campus because homophobia isn't something worth getting paid for. You. Fucking. Hypocrits. (Colleges shouldn't be allowed to be so ignorant). (Even if it takes 12,500 a semester off of your college loans-I say to my old roommate, as I consider selling my soul and body to the U.S. government.) I cannot deal with this life and I am not real anymore.

Today I asked the man three times if the friday he was talking about was the friday three days ago. 15 minutes later i realized yesterday was friday, not three days ago. I am not even alive anymore. I swear.

Thu, 30 Jun 2005 15:45:21 GMT

Fuck I love Worcester.

To elaborate:

I love Laura.
I love Ann,Kevin,Matt,Peter who ran a media workshop yesterday for HOPE.
I love Lauri.
I love bikes.
I love people who yell at Laura and i for taking up a lane in the road.
I love avoiding people and then inviting them to hang, knowing they'll say no.
I love getting THREE HUGE TRASH BAGS of food plus one small bag of food from the panera/trader joe's dumpsters to be distributed amongst 6 people. Fucking word.
I love sleeping next to Laura.
I love waking up and singing to her in a groggy voice.
I love sharing toothbrushes.
I love not flushing after i pee and not getting yelled at for it.
I love cooking chocolatechocolatechip pancakes from mix we found in the dumpster.
I love making twenty million more plans than can possibly be accomplished.
I love getting called by unavailable three times and never finding out who it is.
I love Laura's roommates.
I love conserving.
I love discussing the compost that will be made in Troy's backyard.
I love talking about the future.
I love Laura helping me figure things out.
I love hearing about HERO.
I love not being surrounded by white people.
I love feeling nervous.
I love leaving my car unlocked.
I love the bike I used yesterday.
I love Jessa for letting me use her bike. And also for being sweet.
I love the look Laura and I give each other when people mention target.
I love openness and sharing.
I love everyone in HOPE.
I love how people in HOPE looked confused by the concept of indymedia.
I love the idea of helping them understand it better.
I love how people in HOPE flip their shit about coke products now thanks to Rachel, omygodiforgothernamedulcemaya, and me.
I love that people smile a lot.
I love santiago's grocery store.
I love being 55 miles from six flags.
I love the way i feel the day after going to worcester.

I love worcester.

It's time to be honest part 3

Tue, 28 Jun 2005 04:08:10 GMT

It's 11:54 at this precise moment and I am officially feeling beyond confusion. There are moments that all I want is to move to Worcester and find a shitty job where I can make enough money to pay rent and pay for part of college. I am very un-good at making decisions. I used to be particularly superb at it but it was in a strict way that came off as intolerant. Now I am somewhat the opposite and I don't think that's good either. I'm not sure though. Everything about my confusion lies in politics, my future with it. In the future will I be a radical? Will I die young and happy and feel like my life was worth it? Or will I live the liberal life and die old and happy and feel like my life was worth it? My decisions now will effect the rest of my life. I don't want to travel now because it is a waste of oil but will I want to travel years from now if(when) I change my mind about the importance of oil, (if the oil revolution doesn't occur)? I don't know. And I can't figure it out. A lot of people are lucky that their parents didn't teach them to think so far into the future. I know people who can be one hundred percent certain that they are going to be who they are for the rest of their lives and so they can make decisions based on that theory, which will in turn help them be who they are now-the best they may ever be. But still, is stagnation really that great? I'm unsure. I know that my mind turns as I imagine buying all organic groceries at the living earth and being called a yuppie by the college-kids in my liberal college town for sporting some pro-choice anti-republican bumper stickers on my Prius/Echo/Insight. I guess we all make sacrifices but what sacrifices will my conscious let me make? I can live without soda for the rest of my life-this is an honest fact. I can live without meat for the rest of my life. That is a simple truth. I can spend time researching corporations before I buy products from them, and I can try to buy local as much as possible. But will I disallow myself from buying from corporations if "buying local" is not an option? Will I for eternity write letters to senators? Will I dream of doing things or will I do them? A lot of those things I can't write on the internet or on livejournal and probably have not said out loud ever before in my life. Things I can say are that I want to paint with my period blood, I want to draw until I cry, I want to write and write and write and write and write, I want to pay off my loans and save money for a small farm, I want to make my own paper, I want to read feminist and environmentalist essays until I go blind, I want to laugh and laugh at my own stupidity/lack of creativity/genuine desire to be amazing/feeling of lack of sincerity caused by being raised in this society.

I am completely and utterly lock-jawed right now as far as everything goes. I am nowhere. I am nothing. I need to fix that, I think. I don't think 60 hours of work a week is going to help me figure everything out. I don't think sleeping 8 hours a night with 14 hours of work and 2 hours of driving a day will help me. I don't think feeling frightened by my thoughts will help me. I don't think many of my current friendships will help me. I want radicals and radicals only in my life. I want to figure out everything I think again, and then I want to tackle the world head on. I want to not say "do you really want to know?" when people ask me why I don't drink coke/eat animal products/sing christmas songs/get food for free out of dumpsters/despise corporations/spend time reading about international politics/ignite myself with feminism. I want to inspire myself with my brain rather than with a desire to make my brain work.

I want so much. I have enough time to do a lot of the things I want. I need to figure out if those are things I want, or things I want to want. I need to do a lot. And I need to start now. But really, I have to sleep. Which is just far too common.

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 12:19:49 GMT

This clark/worcester state/semester off thing is really getting to me. What the fuck am I going to do?

Also...

I wish I could be naked at work and have a sprinkler going off above me at all times. That would seriously make six flags about 40 percent better. Not that I think a sprinkler being wasted on me is a good idea, but seriously, it'd be a little more tolerable, especially considering all of the people insist on talking about politics to me in the middle of work which could get me fired in a fucking minute.

Mon, 27 Jun 2005 01:12:54 GMT

Troy emails Laura and I with a link that I read this morning about counter recruitment business. I remind myself that I need to get on the ball, that I need to find out about Worcester PeaceWorks and where they are with counter-recruitment if they've already pressed the anti-gay army policy side of things, if setting up a table next to the recruitment people will be worthwhile which it probably will. I must go do a million things this Thursday and it's up in the air if finding a new job or going to the recruitment center is more important but I know I need flyers, I need information and I need to disprove lies on those flyers. I need a recording of them being bigots and I need to give it to Clark, tell them that the military being on campus can feel like a threat to the gay population-that are they trying to make people feel unwanted because of their sexual orientation, especially the year that women's studies will be turning into a major? huh, huh, huh??? WHAT NOW, CLARK? WHAT NOW??

my dad's wedding was yesterday. it was really happya nd fun. i love my family. yay.

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 03:28:20 GMT

One party unattended to avoid confrontation with person who is unavoidable in my mind.
Two see-saws side by side-two americans who hate america, two east africans who love america sitting side by side.
Three dollars more spent on strawberries from the beautiful organic farmer than expected.
Four bands enjoyed before having to leave Plan-It-X Fest so that my friend from Brazil didn't die of boredom.
Five o clock water fountain party.
Six times today I felt like crying, low estimate.
Seven inches of my leg/vagina showing because of the ridiculous thrash in them which worsened after aforementioned foundtain party.

Saturday is my father's wedding. Sunday is searching for jobs that aren't six flags and blockbuster, that are more money and less hours and more beauty.Monday-Wednesday is work. Wednesday night is perfection in the shape of a pretend concert, drums, dancing, and outdoor slumber. Thursday is waking up and thinking that it's a "good morning beautiful day". Thursday afternoon is continuing my search for an alternate job, is smiling a fake smile at twenty million people, is wondering if possibly i could do farm work, is laughing at my stupidity at least fifteen times, is constantly wondering if i should drop out of college. Friday-Wednesday is work again and here I am feeling less than unnerved about the entire thing.

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 12:13:49 GMT

I am not trustworthy. There I've said it. It's my worst characterstic. I work all of these hours and I completely forget for weeks on end to look up information about the company Clark hired to do construction even though it's as simple as looking it up on OSHA. And that's a lie: I have looked it up before. I'm just a little forgetful and also have no faith in my memory. The way I add things in and take things out I'm almost positive there is a disorder named after me...not quite pseudologicafantastica but awfully close. I told my mom that we're thinking of moving to San Fransisco and she said "Tell me it is so!" making a little joke off of the " Say it isn't so" concept. She's going to move to Arizona she says and I have complete faith in her ability to do so, complete faith also in Greg's ability to follow her and hopefully be happy despite the fact he disdains heat. See, these are the things I don't understand staying together for. Being miserable all the time for someone? But I know my mom is worth it because I've hid my miserable comments for years and years because I love her so much.

Six Flags has moved passed bearable and become enjoyable. I get along with everyone except the girl Aziza who has asked several people to "take it out back". I'd love to talk to her, to understand why she hates everyone, and hopefully help her not hate people before even hearing them say a word.

I told my mom about the ice cream shop and she said she thought I "wanted to help the people". Crazy me thinking providing delicious vegan options at a low cost with lots of information as to environmental degradation caused by non vegan food available is helping people/helping the world. I know it's not going to Palestine but I've got plenty of time and I'm going to do that to. Perhaps less as an extensive 15 year job and more as a few month long winter extravaganza while there's time for the others to run the ice cream shop. There's plenty of room for volunteers/short term paid work, as long as I keep myself busy in the Palestinian Liberation feminist circle which I'd like to.

And so my life is changing but it's changing slowly. I'm not making rash decisions like usual and I'd have to say that's positive although some rash decisions are lovely. Tonite is Laura nite. Tonite is dumpsters. Tonite is drums and dancing. Tonite is smiling intensely. Tonite is Worcester where I'm joyous. Tonite is Kate and perhaps her boyfriend and vegan food. Tonite is beautiful.

Tonite I am lucky.

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 12:22:28 GMT

Sometimes I listen to Jon Mayer on the way home from work and just want to start crying. The only thing that stops me is the smell of my feet-hah. I get home and read an email from someone who is seemingly disinterested in my life. Well if I should even begin to be surprised. The thing about long work days is there's no hope left in me at the end of the day, and I'm not good at this-sadness isn't my deal.

Sun, 19 Jun 2005 20:26:31 GMT

My confessions for the weekend are as follows:

-I need to trim my pubic hair because it's beginning to hurt and I in no way feel like I'm moving the feminist movement back. Not that many people see my pubic hair anyways and the people who do don't give a fuck about it.
-Sometimes my pastor does a sermon that is overly-Christian and it makes me feel a little ill.
-Singing at the top of my lungs while driving Jon Mitchell's car with AlyBaly next to me may or may not be one of the best things to do for my soul is what I think while I'm doing it. Next, Aly is driving, my head is out the window and I'm preparing to serenade the universe. I realize that I say everything is the best ever because while it is happening to me it is the best ever...always. Except that one mishap where my heart was drawn to a boy whose heart wasn't exactly prepared for my giddy-giggling-joy mixed with heart-broken-disdainformales and now I read the lyrics in church to the hymns and giggle when the word destroy comes up, wholeheartedly wonder if this obsession will ever become something healthier.
-It is not my fault that Jenna Malone's upper lip is the only upper lip in the universe that is smaller than mine, but honestly, I'm going to defend my small upper lip to the death if the reason I'm being compared to her is because Tom is a little in love with Jenna Malone's beauty and he said once that he was a little captivated by mine. They all say it's more in my eyes than anything, which is surprisingly what brings up Jenna Malone. The United States of Leland is .just. what a girl needs if she wants a reason to understand why random boys from other countries are in love with her. Just what I need, at least.
-Alyson knows more about my sex life, sex dreams, and sexual body parts than any other human being in the universe and I must say her mother slamming doors in the middle of the nite to calm our screaming, yelping, giggling is understood when I look at it that way. It's just, we're the best couple ever. Best couple of friends that is.
-My tattoo is pronounced "All-wah-duh" with an emphasis on the wah and the duh being barely audible. I need to write this down lest I forget in front of someone who actually speaks arabic.
-I'm absolutely in love with this summer. The way I'm already sleepy eyed and yearning for something better. The way my trip to Maine for Planet-X-Fest becomes more tangible when I think "I get out of work early on Wednesdays, I can skip volunteering...." but then I realize a)my car may or may not be one tire short of a trip to maine by wednesday and b)volunteering is more important than AMAZING fucking music that I wish I could spend my life listening to. In love with the way I yearn and yearn and yearn to ride my bike but realize it will tucker me too much and I just don't have the time. I think what I need is a midnite right but midnite comes so soon when I leave work at 11 and I tell you even sooner is the break of day, the alarm clock ringing me into the reality that summer is 10-15 hour days and there's not much I can do about it save learn fiscal responsibility and earn higher wages.

No Lies, Just Love

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 21:28:38 GMT

It's true that when I woke up this morning I felt existance for the first time in a while and realized how very much I have been missing Worcester, (although Alyson is perhaps the only person in this universe who could keep me happy in Westfield). Worcester makes me feel loved and grounded and certain and unjudged and passionate and intense. I think I can honestly say that I am my best when in Worcester and though that may change as I spend time in other places, for now it feels particularly like home. So I spend all this time working and what I don't understand about anarchy is that people within the anarchist community say they don't believe in work that they just want to travel. Ok, I can understand that feeling. But honestly, if it weren't for all these shittons of people working you wouldn't be able to travel. You wouldn't be able to dumpster food. And I know many people in the anarchist community who understand that and WISH they could have free land to garden and everything and never take medicine and be fucked in the winter if they didn't make blankets themselves but then I also know some people who just don't seem to throw two and two together in the simplest ways and those are the people who make me nervous when I have to say "I work three jobs. I have very little spare time. I smile through it all. I don't hate my life even though I do dislike what I do most of the time and feel that it's morally wrong." I don't want to have to say all that. I want there to be understanding. I don't want work to be a confession. Also, that's classist beyond compare. There are a little of middle class kids in the anarchist movement for a reason and there's a reason why there aren't that many lower class kids in the anarchist movement, (at least not actively). I'm not saying it's because they feel like they're committing crimes by working, I'm saying it's because they've been brought up with their parents working 50-70 hours a week and doing something other than that is beyond foreign, and besides that, how else will they get all the things for their kids that they didn't get to have because their parents didn't have time to go shopping? And I don't give a shit if you think those are just "things" that people shouldn't desire, that's partially because you maybe could have had those things. So classism in the anarchist community really bothers me. There. I've said it. But still I have nothing in my heart except love for the anarchist community and I know for certain that classism is not something I understand nearly as well as I wish I did. My room smells like two month old rotting period and although it's not exactly pleasant it's phenomenally pungent and I can say honestly again that I love it.

I plan on pulling my room apart and putting it in "ebay" "keep" "goodwill" piles for the next few weeks. Hopefully I'll make some money to throw in my savings account which will make it possible for me to do silly little things like go to Worcester. As soon as I've saved three thousand dollars this summer I'm going to quit six flags however that might not be until literally my last week of work at six flags anyways if I don't make some random money some how. Ebay, I figure, is a good way to make random money. I'll consider any suggestions. Ending working at Six Flags would be supersupersuper.

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 12:18:23 GMT

Sometimes I lust after what I cannot have, what I do not really want. I've always been one to capture every desire through a smile and bright blue eyes however I've been told my eyes have faded to almost gray and my smile has certainly hardened some, at least when I work 6-7 days a week for 7 or more hours each day (sometimes up to 15!) And this is the beginning of the summer which means I feel content in life right now. I'm itching at my decision to stay at Clark each and every second which is thrown roughly against my actual desire to itch my tatto-the dark black scab peeling off quickly as constantly apply lotion. Kevin (the tattoo artist) said three times a day or whenever it appears dry. There is not one moment in time that my tattoo appears average textured and feels softnearlymoist the way summer skin should feel.

It's a credit to Maggie's ability to be repetitive that when I say moist I imagine her face scrunching, her wrist with an angry fist shaking in the air. That girl has a cankerous nature when it comes to some words, something I can relate to, for certain.

And so I've nearly depleted my supply of "Kiss My Face: Vitamin A&E Moisturizer" which is organic and probably soiled by now, having bought it pre-Clark. I imagine my future sometimes and it includes homemade moisturizer however I haven't the foggiest how to make homemade moisturizer and I'll be living in a city with hopefully a tiny little garden-vegetables enough for the inhabitants of "What's the Scoot" (which I hereforward will talk about with that title hoping to keep it fresh in my memory so others will catch on and then when we really live together and our lives are on their merry way we will be prepared for perfection: ice cream shop? check. newspaper? check. scooters? check. everything is perfect.) but not much more than that. still though i don't wear lotion very often, apparently only when i get tattoos. speaking of i plan on getting another on my opposite wrist. Unity in hebrew. How fitting. Someone walked by with a tattoo of a tree on their upper-back yesterday and I thought of Laura. Immediately decided to twirl my way around the entirety of the area I work crazy-eyed laughing. It makes me laugh that the boys think I'm flirting with them with my genuine happiness but i've decided that i will not alter my joyous reactions because it gives people the wrong idea. when i say i've decided i guess it was a decision long ago when i started holding hands with all my friends who are girls.

yesterday alyson and i played gay in the grocery store per usual. We asked for ingredients listing to the rolls that stop&shop makes. a woman said "ask adam, he'd know better" and so adam appears; our knight (or baker as it were) in shining armor. we ask our question on repeat. his response, "funny thing about these rolls, we get them frozen and just throw them in the oven." "o so you don't have ingredients on the box?" "well the best/easiest thing to do would be let me go grab you a pencil and paper and go to the book isle, we have cookbooks"

Hilarity ensued. I explained we were just checking if they were vegan, (undoubtedly they're not). Which brings me to the entire point of this post. Alyson has been vegan now for 6 days a fact she hid from me for 5.75 days.

My love, I am nothing but proud of you. Allow me to help in any way possible. Remind me often that you now have vegan_foodlist on your friend's page and it's not worth looking at anymore, at least between that and wasteofasonnet.

Mon, 13 Jun 2005 00:09:36 GMT

TEN random things about me:

10. I don't like that people think number 9 means that I'm stupid.
9. Almost anything can make me smile.
8. I have no talents or real knowledge but I am awfully opinionated and exceptionally excitable.
7. I miss Courtney.
6. I sometimes don't understand why I've never dated a girl but it makes me upset and I think it has to do with my mother not knowing i'm "not straight" at least from me saying it out loud. Even though she knows it for sure.
5. There's an "End War" tag on my bedpost from SOA in Fort Bennings, GA
4. I'm slowly beginning to tolerate my father in lots and lots of ways.
3. I've come to the final decision-finally-that my major is International Development and Social Change with a focus on Food/Water Production and Privatization
2. The collective I'm going to live in is going to be caleld "What's the Scoot" and we're goin to have a vegan ice cream shop, scooters, and a newspaper. And it's going to be amazing.
1. This survey has been done in upside down version

NINE ways to win my heart:

9. Ride a scooter or moped
8. Make me feel like it's ok to want to wear boy shorts one day, a short skrit the next day, and be a nudist the next day-not necessarily in that order
7. Cut my hair without going "you're going to hate me afterwards"
6. Be a "dog food, OH BOY!" type of person (noone except Aly will get that hah)
5. Be patient about me not having been able to do all the things I wish I can do
4. Be an environmentalist
3. Ride bikes
2. Understand that when I say "do as much as you can" means work against the system which makes money play into things-patriarchal, white supremist capitalism
1. Do as much as you can with reguards to the fact that money plays into things

EIGHT of my favorite movies: [arbitrary order]

8.
7.
6.
5.
4. Ani movie with Mandy Moore
3. Any movie with Audrey Tatou except Not on the Lips
2. Powder
1. Go Further

SEVEN things that annoy me:

7. Not being able to travel
6. College costing money
5. Mainstream television and it's addictive nature
4. Blinkers
3. Commercials
2. Pro-deathers (as in anti-abortion)
1. Purposeful neglect of the environment and humans to "better the economy"

SIX things I wanna do before I die:

6. Hug everyone I meet
5. Accept people more openly
4. Have a healthy relationship with a man where I don't blame him for being a man
3. Help women obtain abortions
2. Have a big organic garden filled with love
1. Live in a collective with amazing people

FIVE things I am afraid of:

5. Getting drunk in front of people I don't know
4. Being mean to people
3. my tattoo not actually saying Unity
2. Living a liberal life
1. Not having enough money to pay back for school because I AM GOING TO CLARK

FOUR of my favorite items in my room:

4. My mirror from aly
3. My shitton of books that aren't really enough
2. My box of stuff to alter with paints and exacto knife and all
1. My blankets

THREE things I do everyday:

3. Smile
2. Poop
1. Brush my teeth

TWO things I want to do right now:

2. Move out of my house
1. Discuss the annoyingness of the nite-en-bird being outside my window while i'm trying to sleep

ONE person I want to see right now:

1. Laura

Sun, 12 Jun 2005 21:00:18 GMT

The more and more I think about it, if I lived in Palestine I'd be a a violent radical and be jailed repeatedly by the Israeli government.

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 02:41:44 GMT

I suggest "Go Further" as a film to watch. It's about Woody Harrelson's hemp powered bus trip from the tip of washington ot the other tip of california. he rides his bike along wiht three of his freinds and converts them to organic veganism and has all this rich bullshit like a driver and a raw cook and shit but still....it's awesome.

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 01:36:51 GMT

See the past few days have been perfect and I don't think I can quite describe the feeling of being satisfied after sleeping only 3 hours because atleast I have an amazing tube top that was hand sewn, at least i have a permanent reminder on my body of my bestfriend and of my continued interested in peace/conflict resolutions particularly on the westbank of palestine/israel, at least i can swim in a t-shirt and bathing suit bottoms-feel four years old-even though i work five million hours a week (ok that's a lie, I can't swim for the next 2-4 weeks, but after that, it's back to swimming for me), at least when i'm in the car and the music is turned up to a volume that would shake a hummer sitting next to us at a stop light i can sing louder than that music or at least my voice and aly's voice combined can sing louder than that music, and i assure you we can shake a hummer too. If not shake, upset. Sometimes aly and i drive 45 miles an hour in the fast lane on the highway so that we can be staying right next to a huge truck and the hummer behind us can't pass. doing our job for the environment one mili-gallon of gas at a time. at least the world is perfect and at least alyson is in my life and even though tomorrow when my mother sees my wrist-sees the permanent alteration to it, life will no longer be perfect other than the idea that i'm "breaking free" will finally sink into her head, (as if it hadn't done so years ago) and maybe she'll understand everything being an issue for me when it comes to other people because for her I've always got an issue.

Why I say Yes to armpit hair and "holy shit look at that freak" stares

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 12:14:05 GMT

-I do not want to support male-run industry that controls women.
-I enjoy my body more when I feel natural in it.
-I am nicer to people in general when I feel comfortable with myself.
-Women shaving their body hair was upsetting enough, now instead of women stopping the removal their body hair and starting to care about their whole bodies men are removing their body hair also. This petrifies me. More and more control. Why? How can people be fed so easily?
-There's an oil crisis, why are you wasting plastic on a fucking razor?

Alyson, plan on a poem with that title some time soon.

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 02:40:49 GMT

Honestly break ups when you're not really going out are so awkward.

"so we're friends"
"yeah, like before..."

Sun, 05 Jun 2005 12:44:13 GMT

When i was showering last nite i saw a bug on my arm that looked like a large moth that was very dark. I went to push it away. It was my armpit hair.

O dear.

Also, they told me to go into work yesterday but never put me on the schedule so i went home, rode my bike, ate some oreos (which I need to stop doing bc i SWEAR i'm going to cut non-organic refined sugar out of my diet by the end of the summer), did some hebrew, skateboarded for a hot minute then realized my feet hurt too bad for it, and went to jon's to stencil. jon and i get along so well now that we're not going out and that i'm not a psycho-bitch who wants everyone to be my definition of "perfect". Well not everyone, just people that are close to me. So anyways, that was good. Then we went to this thing about Darfur,Sudan for 4 hours and that was pretty great although I felt like I was in a room of semi-liberals who didn't know what to do, possibly because they're liberal and have a hard time getting to the root of the problem. ANYWAYS though, it was fun and there were some awesome dancers that made everyone feel interested in Sudan I think so that's nice. Then I babysat and it was awesome. Brian kept talking like he was the devil and saying FUCK ME! and FUCK YOU! and I was like "holy excorcist batman!" so yup. Now I'm working at Blockbuster Westfield for the first time in like....a few months. And I'm SOOO happy about it. Then hopefully my gfAly is coming over. See, the world can be awesome. Yup.

Things I need to Write down about worcester state before my brain explodes.

Sat, 04 Jun 2005 12:48:36 GMT

So my mom has made some concessions: I can get a tattoo, I can get arrested as long as I don't get kicked out of school, she's not going to make money a controlling thing other than I have to get A's and B's-and if I don't save 4000 dollars then she'll match whatever I do save up to 4000 dollars. However, that's only if I go to Clark. If I go to Worcester State she's not going to give me money at all. This was expected. So, hopefully everything will continue to be alright. If I work 20 hours a week while I'm in school I'll still have enough time for school, studying, fun, and organizations plus I'll make enough money to pay for my scooter and scooter insurance, and have a hundred dollars a month to go towards an apartment, (I'll use the money I save this summer for the apartment mostly), and that leaves 200 dollars-ish for food/savings for the next year. That's pretty awesome seeming. It would be awesomer if my mom would give me even 2000 or something so that I could save more money for the next year of college but I understand her not giving me money. I broke a promise to her-I told her I would stay at Clark and if I don't she has no real reason to give me money, and I'm lucky that she has in the past. I don't know what I'm going to do still but I need to go to Westfield State and pay them the $160 I owe them for I don't know what then have them send my transcripts to Worcester State. I also need to have Clark send my transcripts to Worcester State. Yuuuppppppppp....then I need to find an apartment for next year. hah. If I don't find one I'll have to live on-campus at Worcester State and I deefffiinnniiiteeelllyyy don't want that. hah. But I'm still not sure I'm going to Worcester State I'm just thinking out-loud about if I do.

I feel like this is a really big decision and I need ot make it soon but first I need to go work at six flags.

And I'm afraid that the fight that we're all caught up in will leave us the same

Fri, 03 Jun 2005 02:49:30 GMT

I need to be away and happy and it needs to be as soon as possible because I don't think I can deal with this home anymore.

How many entries like this can I make before I make the right decision?

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 12:47:17 GMT

I am trying to think in any way other than angry. I am trying and trying and trying but all I can do is swallow deep and push the pain in the front of my throat down into my chest to stop these tears from falling. I don't know how I've lived this long with a mother like this. Someone who can't talk only shove ideas down your throat. I know that I'm like that and that it's because of her and that I cannot live with her if it's going to hinder me from changing that. I know that she wants me to be like her and that when I'm not like her it scares her-that it makes her go on tirades until she thinks I'll shut up. I know it makes me resentful and that I just want to be in a happy home where creativity is accepted, where ideas can be shared, where I can fucking think out loud and discuss things and not be shot down before I even speak. And I know that it kills me to listen to her. That everything is black and fucking white. I can't even think on the same plane of existance as she does. BinaryBinaryBinary. Either I am perky all the time, home available to do chores when I'm not working, and thinking in ways that I cannot think just to make her happy or I am moving out. And I am trying not to think of all of those things. I am trying to think of the things she said that are valid to what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm trying to believe in at least a part of what she said as serious concern for my wellbeing rather than for what she wants me to be. I am trying and trying and trying but still I am pushing this pain from my throat to my chest.

Validly, she said that I am always switching, that I am at a very good school in a program for something that I want to do and that I can do, that I'll be able to pay back the loans and it will be fine. But she isn't thinking about her threats. If I don't have four thousand dollars by the end of the summer she's not giving me any money. And then I'll be 8 thousand dollars more in debt this year than I should have to be. What the fuck. There's SO LITTLE likelihood I'll have 4 thousand dollars by the end of the summer, even if I do absolutely nothing all summer. And this is my fucking time to have fun. I'm a fucking kid. I'll never have time like this again-except I don't even have it now and it kills me to think about it and it hurts me to write about and I can't push that pain from my throat into my chest anymore. And if I do anything at all that she doesn't like she says "well I'm not going to pay for college" which is such bullshit. If I get a $60 tattoo and don't spend money on ANYTHING ELSE all fucking summer except for gas-if all I eat all year is peanutbutter and fucking jelly sandwiches to save money-really she should still pay for college if I have the four thousand dollars saved-BUT SHE WON'T! Because "if I have money to waste on a tattoo then I should be able to pay for all of my college without taking out loans" which makes no goddamn motherfucking sense. She doesn't even THINK when she speaks sometimes. And I can't stop being angry about it. I just can't. I am trying and trying and trying and failing miserably.

So today I'll make a decision: Move out of my house to Worcester, transfer to Worcester State, be in debt but not as much as at Clark, be completely independent from my mother-hand her back her cell phone, the bedroom I've been sleeping in, all the belongings I happen to not bring with me, and literally have no home to return to. Or stay home. Stay home and suffer and want to flip out every second of the day and be as patient as possible and still get told I'm unbending and miserable. Stay home and not be allowed to think. Stay home and feel stagnant-the type of stagnant that just makes me want to fuck shit up.

I hate this. I hate how this happens every year. How it happens every time I'm home for more than a month. Although I think it might have happened during spring break also which is amazing because that's only a week. It's probably happened during weekends that I've been home before. And today I have an appointment to do something that will get me kicked out of my house so really it's not much of a decision for me. I am so sick of doing everything my mom says because she's paying for a part of my education. I am so sick of not being able to be happy because of it. I am so sick of feeling like I won't be able to do anything with my life that I want to do because of loans. I can't fucking deal with it. It makes me sick. But my mom said some valid things today that have made me think and I'd love to talk to someone about them-I'd like most to talk to my mom about them, but she doesn't talk with me anymore, she only screams at me, and I don't know how to deal with that. I know that when I'm here, in this house, I start to be like that and I know that I hate it.

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 12:06:26 GMT

See during the last few months of college I was in this not-relationship with this really awesome person and since college has ended he's decided to bring up all these not-awesome topics about what's wrong with me as a human being. I feel like they're things that probably should have been discussed in person while we were in college for several reasons but mostly because I'm really lost on the exact characteristics of our not-relationship presently. And the last time I saw him I was just so happy to see him, like I could feel that he was in the room through the door and I was a li'l bit of overjoyed that I found him before having to leave Worcester and I even almost wanted to hold his hand which is pukeworthy to the tenth degree. But now all these things have been said and I have no clue-NOCLUE-what is going on and I think it's really unfair of me to want to see him as badly as I do because I can't figure out how much of it is because I really really want to see him, (which I'm sure is a huge part of it because he's probably one of the nicest people I've met in college), and how much of it is a desire for some sort of clarity. So. That's been on my mind.

Tomorrow I'm doing something that's going to send shivers up my mother's spine and possibly land me a few thousand dollars more in debt. Loooovveeelllyyy.

Mon, 30 May 2005 11:59:58 GMT

Working at Six Flags is going to be awesome (as long as I continue to allow myself to get past the fact that it's six flags, and I'm working with animal products) because I get to be in an enclosed area with a huge ordering window which means all the cool breezes and hot air from outside will come in but not the yucky burning sun. Joy.

Sun, 29 May 2005 17:24:10 GMT

I don't think I ever wrote about my car getting smashed into. But, my car got smashed into and consequently totalled because I need a new door and front quarter panel which costs way more than my car is worth. So this weekend I went to Outgrowing Capitalism which as I mentioned was amazing. I drove Jon's car because i was scared to drive my car on the highway with the door not open and not shut all the way and like stuck ajar.

When I went to pick up my car this morning, Jon's parents had fixed my fucking door so that it will be shut almost all the way and so that hopefully I will pass inspection. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for anything ever. Now I can get my car totalled and buy it back and not have to get it fixed. Holy sugarmuffins. That is really amazing because now I won't even have to sell my car to save money for college. Holyshit. I am so happy and excited and feeling really really really good about this. And SO UNBELIEVABLY THANKFUL. I am almost in tears because of it. ahhh